and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
