My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize