I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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