Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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