sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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