Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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