i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize