I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
