I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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