can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
This is classic penis vs brain.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
