I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Sorry about my life...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize