I can text with my tongue
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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