i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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