She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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