Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
