Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
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