When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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