I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize