Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
