Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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