I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
