when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize