Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
