my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
