Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
