At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
