Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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