i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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