Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
