o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
