Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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