I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
