So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Randomize
