Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
