I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
We were destined to go to rehab together
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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