You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
