I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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