he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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