Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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