It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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