When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
