I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Randomize
