I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
