i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
NoShamevember. You game?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
