I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
