Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
