this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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