There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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