I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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