I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
