i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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