God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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