That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
