You don't have asthma, your pregnant
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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