I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
