Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
