woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
