Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
