There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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