I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
