I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize