matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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