Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
