And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
