I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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